Wanting help setting limits? What planting a tree and nourishing your child have in common.

Have you been able to get out and enjoy the beautiful fall season?

I recently got to go on a tree planting with my teenager. And I learned a thing or two!

Did you know that planting a tree in the ground is only a tiny part of the tree planting process? This little tiny twig of a tree needs soooooo much support to be able to grow big and strong. This little tree needs a scaffolding of support.

It needs:

• mulch to nourish the roots

• a plastic tube so the deer don't eat it

• a steel pole to tie on the plastic tube so it doesn't blow away

• a black plastic mat staked in the ground it so it doesn't get choked by weeds

• a whole group of individuals to water it and check on its growth, and remove the supports when the tree is strong enough

...So how can planting a tree help you to understand your job as a parent when it comes to limits? How can creating a scaffolding of support make your job a little smoother this holiday season?

It can be hard sometimes for our kiddos to roll with all the shifts of the season. There's so much excitement and anticipation in the air! It can be a time when the highs are really high and the lows are really low. It can be a time, let's be honest, when setting limits for our kiddos can sometimes blow up into big hot cauldrons of emotions, spilling all over the place.

But there is a way to ease the conflict, the meltdowns, the recalcitrance. Instead of making demands, punishments, and rules (which can only entrench the conflict and the meltdowns further) we can use discipline in the way it was meant: "to teach."

When we teach, we guide our child. We support our child.

• the mulch becomes our unconditional love, our empathy- we don't withdraw or punish when things get tough, we stay connected and nourish our child's deep longing to be seen and heard.

• the plastic tube becomes the yes behind the no. "No honey, I will not let you stay up any later tonight. But I see you are wanting some more fun. How about I'll tuck you into bed tonight and we can snuggle and play a little game before you go to sleep." There is a boundary but there is space, space for the feelings, space for the needs.

• the steel pole becomes our own deeply grounded connection to ourselves. We are strong and unbending in staying non-reactive. As we follow through with limits we do so with kindness, we don't blow up, we don't get mad. We stay calm. We stay loving.

• the black plastic mat clears away the things that don't matter, it prioritizes the tree instead of everything else growing up around it. It might be clearing away some of the clutter, the rushing around, creating more down time, more stillness, more connection, so that your child feels like she has space to be, space to have feelings when there's a "no."

• the support team becomes us- checking in, sending the message that, no matter what the limit is, or how your child might feel about it (most likely upset!) you are there, offering your consistent loving support no matter what. The limit is still the limit and you are always emotionally available to your child.

I hope this little message helps you feel more centered, more grounded as you head into this holiday season. As always, I am here for you, please reach out any time, let me know what you thought of this message today, tell me how you handle setting limits in your household.

With so much love,

Vanessa