TODAY is the day for LOVE

Today is the day for love.

Not tomorrow. Not in a few years. Not when everyone is finally behaving they way they should.

It is today.

You ONLY have today.

There is no future person. Some version of a well-adjusted adult that your child has grown into.

Today, right now, you have a messy, chaotic, stressful, struggling, hurting, misbehaving child in front of you. A child. A teen. Who needs love; practical, unconditionallove, more than anything else.

Love is:

• self-compassion: choosing to walk away and calm ourselves down when all we want to do is yell (I have tools to help you with this!)

• seeing to the heart: underneath all the bad behavior is your child who is acting out of his best intentions. He is struggling to figure out a way to match the external world with his internal needs/wishes/wants. A body, a heart, a mind; full of longings and wishes, needs and desires, hope and strife. A body, bumping up against the rest of the world and finding it hard to adjust with everyone else around him.

• empathy: “Are you feeling frustrated? Really hurt?” “Do you just want to do it your way?” “This is hard honey.” “You weren’t expecting it to turn out like this.” “I’m here, I can’t fix it for you, but I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.” “I believe you.”

• finding a good solution. Doing the hard thing. Engaging with them to course correct: “here’s how to ask for your toy back without hitting, I’ll be by your side as you do it, I'll guide you, we’ll do it together.” It's sitting down with them for that extra hour of homework when you know the dishes won’t get done, the work email won’t get answered, the house won’t get clean, that phone call won't get answered. "I understand you're struggling to focus, I will sit with you this time as you learn how to do it on your own." It is lending support while supporting separation.

And, the AMAZING thing about unconditionally loving your child TODAY…?

…It actually builds the neural network for a healthy, well-integrated, highly-functioning brain, so that future, well-adjusted child you’re trying to help raise happens naturally. You don’t have to worry about it AT ALL.

So just for today let all that stress and worry go. Your only job is practical, unconditional love. Take good care of yourself and your needs. See to the heart: your child, acting from her best intentions. Be curious about what it’s like for her. And when you have to hold a limit, do it with empathy for her feelings about it.

It's gonna feel a bit different, a bit weird at first; letting go of all that other stuff that doesn't matter always will. But give it a try, go out on a limb, see how it feels for you, then let me know how it goes! And I am always here for you.

With so much love today and always,

Vanessa