The Surprising Element Needed for Connection (part 1 of 2)

Fall is settling in. It's that time for feeling cozier as we seek warmth and move inward.

It reminds me of that same sweet feeling we have when we feel so close and connected to our kids- so relaxed, so contented, so happy. We could just melt into these moments.

Yet we all know this feeling of connection doesn't stay with us for long. We've probably all experienced that pendulum-swing over to disconnection, pain, isolation: our kids yelling and arguing, not listening to us, shutting us out, withdrawing. We just can't seem to communicate, let alone connect.

But there's a good explanation for this pendulum-swing-rollercoaster-ride in my favorite parenting book: The Parent's Tao Te Ching, which isn't really a 'book' at all, but an interpretation of the 2,500 year old Tao Te Ching fashioned for parents.

My guess is the last thing you might feel as a parent is the bliss of pure awareness, or what the Tao conveys as being fully present in each moment, an experience of oneness, peace, freedom, radical acceptance and even deep joy- no matter what.

In the meantime, whether or not we find ourselves on this path to enlightened bliss, we navigate this world we are in: a world of duality. This is the playground where we live and parent, where seemingly opposite entities are inseparable and ultimately one...

...for example, if we never felt sadness how would we ever know we are happy? Sadness is an intrinsic part of happiness. These two parts, sadness and happiness, together create wholeness, the yin and the yang swirling together as one.

With this understanding, we are empowered to act rightly in those difficult parenting moments. If our goal is a connected relationship with our child we must embrace the opposite...

..the opposite of connection is separation.

Together connection and separation create wholeness.

What does separation with our child look like? That word can sting ...ouch, me? ...separate from my child?

Yet the reality is each one of us are living our lives with our own needs, drives, desires, motivations and experiences. Isn't that how it is for us as well? Aren't we personally shifting and changing as the multifaceted and dynamic person we are with each new moment of each new day?

If we enter deeply into this concept, we can respect our child's own unique way of navigating and responding to the world around them knowing they are a wholly separate individual from us, no matter if they are two years old or twenty years old.

This can be an empowering element to our parenting practice of connection because it aids our curiosity. When you remember the intrinsic separateness of the person your child is you are able to more fully connect with her.

Connection is then strengthened from your ability to be patient, respectful, empathetic, open, curious and kind as you interact with this unique individual, your uniquely wonderful child. Your child will feel truly seen and heard and understood as you reflect back to them their core experience. And when your child feels mirrored in this way, feels safe, that she belongs, she can spread her wings and fly.

This might seem like too large a concept to put into practice on a practical level, but the concrete tools of The Heart People (the three steps of conscious parenting) are here to help us with that, and I'll be presenting those in part two, yey!

Between now and then I invite you to play with this concept. Try approaching your child as if you've never met them before, as if you know nothing about them, as if they are a stranger. See if you can really wonder at the infinite depths and beauty of their experience, their perspective, their world. Don't forget to focus inward- what is this like for you? ...scary? ...unsettling? ...natural? Notice the sensations and feelings in your body as you do this, and don't forget to breath deeply.

And, please know I am here for you if you find yourself needing support on your parenting journey or even your own dynamic and unfolding individual journey, especially as we embark on the busyness of this season.

With so much love,

Vanessa