Starting Out.... The Pathway to Parenting with Compassion

The most essential parenting method you will ever need is to lead with compassion in all interactions with your child. Lead with compassion and you can’t go wrong. You can’t mess up. You will always get it right no matter how it turns out.

Why? The connection you foster through empathy and trust creates pathways in your child’s brain for optimal brain development, creating a solid foundation for your child to thrive. Also, he’s experiencing deep connection with another human being; it’s how we’re designed and it feels really good. It’s setting the groundwork for a full life of connection and joy.

However, when you’re starting out, it might not be easy to feel compassionate or loving towards your child in difficult circumstances. It typically does not come naturally to most of us. There’s nothing wrong with you because of this. It just means you’re not use to it.

So, if parenting with compassion is your goal, and you know it is the most important aspect of parenting, the healthiest thing for your child, how do you start out? How do you eventually get to a point where compassion becomes your default way of being in relationship with your child? Where your intuition is your guide (versus following methods that come from outside of yourself and outside of your wisdom)?

Typically, our default way of being in relationship with our child is being on “automatic pilot.” This means that, even with the best of intentions, you might find yourself saying the things, doing the things that were said and done to you, or those around you, when you were a kid. Have you ever thought to yourself “I can’t believe that just came out of my mouth! I swore I would never say that?”*

So, how do we shift from automatic pilot to compassionate parenting?

When you begin this practice, your goal is simply self-regulation.

This means you are focused on remaining calm, centered, and grounded when you’re interacting with your child. It means you’re intentionally noticing when your buttons get pushed, when you’re triggered, and when and how you start ramping up, or exploding with frustration and anger. What do you do? Do you yell? Do you silently withdraw or numb out? What’s your pattern of reactivity?

If you notice yourself yelling, or notice yourself tensing up, or reacting in any way that comes from a place of anger or frustration or impatience (a form of anger), then your job is to do something about it. You remove yourself from the situation to go and calm yourself down. You will practice deep breathing and use sensory motor tools like splashing cold water on your face. You will hang in there for ninety seconds, a minute and a half (which is how long the cortisol, the stress hormone, takes to reabsorb into the brain) and feel an “ahhhhhhh” moment of calm wash over you (try it!).

You breath and keep breathing. As you return to your child you will keep breathing deeply and keep your attention as focused inward on yourself as you are focusing your attention on your child. If your child is too young to leave, or you’re in a situation where you can't leave, you will stay with your child but your total focus is going to be on breathing deeply into the tension and constriction you feel in your body. Whatever you are doing, slow down. Pause. Outward things, things like, walking hurriedly, you can turn into walking at a very, very, slow pace. Your effort and energy will go into creating stillness within and without.

This calm and grounded place is essential to creating connection with your child and helping your child through the difficult moment. It is the place from which you can be curious about the deeper needs your child is trying to meet. You can then meet your child there and connect from that place, the heart of your child, which is only good. You can see your child is acting from her best intentions. Then you can support him in finding solutions.

In addition to this, as you begin this practice, you will be using the language of verbal empathy such as: “are you feeling mad right now?” or; “this is a really hard moment,” or; “something’s going on, I wonder what you’re needing?” The words aren't as important as the self-regulation piece, but they are helpful in creating connection.

It is normal for this language to feel totally awkward. You might feel robotic in using statements such as these. Completely detached from yourself. That's ok! It really is like learning a foreign language. Just know that it is typical to feel strange, awkward, unnatural, even inauthentic. Over time it will start to feel more natural, especially as the practice of self-regulation deepens into self-compassion and compassion towards your child.

So there it is. The keys to starting out.

Focus on self-regulation. Keep bringing your attention back to yourself and take action steps like breathing, using sensory motor skills, slowing down your actions or becoming still.

In addition, simply know that using this language will most likely come with a feeling of awkwardness at first. Trust that the process will evolve.

From my heart to yours, I wish you deepening love and joy between you and your loved ones.

Love Vanessa

*And by the way, those things will still come out of your mouth, even after years of parenting with consciousness. We’re human. It’s ok. The purpose and goal is connection, not perfection. Finding yourself on automatic pilot is always a beautiful opportunity to re-connect with yourself and your child. Sometimes the repair after a rupture can be a very powerful connecting and deepening experience.