Sibling Stalemate

In the realm of parenting there's an area that can feel intensely draining....

siblings.

It can be so exhausting- the bickering and arguing leaving us weary. We just want it to be over. We'll do anything to fix it, to end the conflict, to have peace and harmony back again.

In these moments something so ephemeral as compassion seems like the very last thing that would help! Compassion doesn't step in to take control,

compassion doesn't pretend to fix the problem,

compassion doesn't make demands- "everyone needs to change, now!"

So what are we left with? Two people with red hot feelings, lashing out, at a stalemate. Why would anyone stand calmly by and allow that to continue?!

And we're tired. We can't deal with this right now. We've got nothing left to give.

Except,

when we do step in...

• first, to make sure everyone's safe and create some hard boundaries if someone is throwing toys (or punches)

• second, to be a calm presence, offering kindness and empathy...

....our unconditional love energizes us again. The compassionate presence we embody gives us what we need to continue.

To simply listen and empathize is an act of audacity... of courage... of boldness.

As a parent, it might take every last ounce of restraint and willpower to stop ourselves from offering quick fixes, threats-of-punishment, or lectures about behavior.

We will eventually help our children think about what they can do differently next time. We will teach them how they can navigate conflict. But they simply can't do this if they're not fully heard first.

And compassion has another beautiful gift to offer: once our kiddos are fully heard, much of the time they can solve the conflict on their own! They come away feeling empowered. They feel embodied in their own agency.

The only thing different about compassion depends on the age of our children. Younger kids need our physical presence- "there's enough room on my lap for both of you. I'm here for you both."  Older children need some space away before we step in, "Is this a good time to talk about what happened with your sister right now? No? I will come back this evening and we'll talk about it then, it's okay not to get along, it's okay to want time away from her."

Either way one thing remains the same- unconditional love...

...it is the very center of our power.

With so much love,

Vanessa