Pay close attention: the key to connected parenting

(quoted from Tara Brach)

My husband, who is a scientist, likes to tell me that the most profound scientific theories (for example, Einstein's theory of relativity) are always very simple and elegant when describing a very layered and complex function.

That's what I like about this quote.

That's what I like about parenting our children with unconditional love. It is simple and elegant in the midst of a seemingly complex relationship of power dynamics, cultural expectations, temperament, neurodevelopment, multigenerational family trauma, and on...

And, it works.

And it is why I turned conscious, compassionate parenting into the three steps; I want it to be simple for you when the going gets rough.

If the most basic form of love is attention, it can help guide us right to what matters most: deep connection and safety, where all learning, growth and healing happens.

Attention means we don't have to have it all figured out when the going gets rough. Attention means we're off the hook for having all the answers, knowing the exact right path to take with our child, because guess what, it's always going to change anyway!

• Attention means letting go of pretending. Letting go of our reaction to something other than the truth of the moment.

• Attention means letting go of our agenda for our child. Once we do that, once we see to the heart, see our child who is acting out of his best intentions, we will know what to do; "our hearts naturally become more open and engaged," solutions come naturally.

• Attention is radical acceptance. We don't bury our head in the sand or try to make the situation, the feelings, the underlying wants and needs, different that they actually are. We accept the situation as it is. We accept our child as she is, right now.

Today, just for one moment, can you see beneath the bad behavior, the backtalk, the attitude, the disrespect, the disobedience? Can you pay close attention to what's really going on? It only requires our steady and calm presence- so let's check in with ourselves. Do we need to pay attention to ourselves first? For me, that's a definite yes! From there we follow the steps:

Step 1: Self-Compassion

• We pay attention to the way our bodies feel inside. A squeezing of the chest or heart? A pulsing in our veins? There a million little nuances to your body telling you how you feel. And your body has the wisdom you need.

• Breath. Pause. Calm.

Step 2: Compassion for Our Child

• We see to the heart. We see our child's behavior for what it is: her best way to try to meet her needs. Attention is noticing. Attention is saying "I believe you."

Step 3: Solutions and Strengths

• Now is the time for us to share our agenda, our needs, after everyone has been heard. Now is the time for solutions. Now is the time to acknowledge all the strengths that have been there all along, "wow, that was really hard just now when we talked about your big feelings and found another way to get through this, you were so brave and patient just now." We celebrate.

Today I celebrate you. Your brave strides in the wilderness of parenting. I know how lost it can feel to be in those woods all alone, with no path, no map. I celebrate your determination, your commitment, your longing and desire to connect, to try and try again, and again. I know it can feel relentless at times, I've been there too, many times. I celebrate your fortitude. Although it can be simple, it is not easy. I am here for you, and I've been where you are. Please reach out any time you need a hand to hold in that wilderness.