Is Compassion Realistic?

Sometimes compassion is a hard sell.

In the face of all the problems our child goes through, something so elusive as compassion can seem hardly the best response.

Not when there are shoes that need to be put on,

homework to be done,

screen-time to shorten,

grandparents to be polite to...

We hit those rough patches, those unrelenting challenges, and it can seem like compassion doesn't do much in the face of such adversity, bad behavior, and our child's seeming inability to find a better way to deal with life. We secretly want to shake them: "just figure it out already, we've gone over this a million times!" 

So it's a bit shocking when all I have to say is:  compassion doesn't fix the problem.

Instead, what compassion does is use empathy and reason for a chance to find calm and connection in the midst of the problem.

...And out of calm connection we are safe. We are connected to our whole self. Our brain is working optimally. Now the solutions appear.

There are many solutions- it's not our job to know them upfront. It is only our job to pause, check-in with ourselves first, validate our own experience, and breath.

And then- we turn towards our child.

Our child- who is doing the best they can right now.

Our child- who isn't able to find a better way.

Our child- who's heart is good.

We can see through the bad behavior to their heart, we can see their heart is good. We can see their behavior is the best they can possibly do in that moment.

We honor their heart, their truth, their pain. We go towards their pain and we help them to feel it too. We are a calm and steady rock in the midst of our child's tumultuous churning ocean. We let the ocean be the ocean, we let it churn. We stay as the rock, we are with the ocean and we are calm. And finally the ocean calms too. Everything is still. Together we can see the horizon line in the distance. Now the sun comes out. Now the clouds part. Now the solutions appear and there are so many to choose from. It is a delight and a joy to think creatively. We see this wasn't just another problem, it was another opportunity to grow and learn.

Albert Einstein famously said, "we cannot solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them."

We will never find the right fix if we stay focused on the problem. We go beyond the problem. With compassion, we see to the heart. We see to the pain. We see to the good. From the good the solutions arise.

May you find many moments of compassion today, especially for yourself.

Your heart is good.

I see it.

I know it.

With so much love,

Vanessa