How does an ice-cube help me?

Do you ever feel (like I do) that being compassionate with the ones we love can feel a bit daunting? Okay, not a bit daunting. A lot daunting.

Even after thirteen years of dedicated practice I can still feel like I'm going back to square one. Like everything I've ever learned flies out the window.

On a side note, there is actually a good explanation for this. Each age our child goes through brings along a whole new set of developmental milestones they're trying to master... just as soon as we've come to understand the milestones they were just in! In other words, all of a sudden, everything changes. In addition to this, the struggles our child faces through these stages triggers our own unresolved challenges we had when we were that age. If the challenges we had haven't been fully integrated, they're going to come up for us again when our child is that same age we were. But back to my daunting moment....

What I mean by going back to square one is that I become scary mom:

yelling

red-faced

shaking

fist's clenched

hurling threats

lashing out

It's not pretty. (Most people can't imagine this happens to me, but this is exactly why I had to create The Heart People, I needed it!)

On occasions like this I know the steps, I know what I need to do, but in this particular moment, I wasn't doing it.

And this is where it gets really interesting... because I have followed the steps, over and over again, in front of my kids... they've seen this before. And they know what to do.

This time around my daughter asked me (as I was yelling at her): "do you need an ice-cube?"  

She has seen me, countless times before, in a fit of rage: stop, go to the freezer, grab and ice cube, put it on the back of my neck, my wrists, my inner elbows, and hold it there for at least ninety seconds. A minute and a half. That's all it takes.  

And it works.

I become calm(er).

I can think again.

I can begin to empathize with the struggles my child is having.

All it takes is one step. The most important step of all. Step one- compassion for myself.

Sometimes compassion can be highly practical. A concrete tool you can use. Albeit one that melts.

Let me know if you try it next time you start to feel your blood boil! I'd love to know if it works for you like it does for me.

With so much love,

Vanessa