Handling Your Headstrong Child

Do you have a child or teen who seems to argue with everything you say? Who does the exact opposite of what you tell them? Do the words "obstinate" and "defiant" feel true for you?

You probably have a strong-willed child. How wonderful! 

Except, I'm guessing it doesn't feel very wonderful.

When our child is like this, we might feel burned-out and frustrated. Out of sheer exacerbation we find ourselves saying the things we swore we'd never say when we became parents.

But there is another way. Our child's temperament is a part of who they are and has important traits the world needs- an ability to question the status quo and the guts to follow their own internal guidance.

Yet it's still important our strong-willed child learns how to cooperate with others and be able to make good decisions based on the information around them. How do we help them learn to do this?

Our strong-willed child's sense of autonomy is so strong and powerful- we align with that first.

The Heart People show us how to do this, even as it feels strange and unfamiliar.

The Heart People help us to see things from our child's perspective. This disarms their automatic response to fight because their way is already accepted!

Now it's a lot easier to talk about solutions, to explore different options for how to solve the problem at hand; options that stretch beyond the power struggle, beyond the battle of parent's way versus child's way. 

When we don't hold so tightly to our own way, our child will eventually loosen their own grip too.

All we have to do is follow the steps:

Step One: Self-Compassion

Am I frustrated? annoyed? angry? Yes, my heart is pounding!

I acknowledge my own hurt and I give myself a moment for kindness, for space, for a few deep breaths. I say kind things to myself, like a friend would.

Example:

We're in a store and my child refuses to leave. I've told them it's time to go and they won't stop playing with the toy they found. Am I extremely frustrated? Yes! Before I engage them again I pause to calm myself down as much as possible, I sense my jaw clenching, my face getting red, I take a few deep breaths. I say kind things to myself like a friend would.

Step Two: Compassion for my child.

I'm curious about my child's feelings, what she wants. I take time to understand.

Example:

I ask her what she's playing with, I ask her to tell me more about it, why she likes it. I echo her words, I guess what she might be feeling. I say, "you really wish you could get this."

Step Three: Solutions.

After my child feels like I understand her, now I can share my concerns, my wants, my needs. Then I say, what's the solution?

Example:

I repeat what I just heard, "you think this toy is really fun, you really wish you could have it. Of course honey, that makes so much sense!"

I go on, "it's not really in the budget for us to buy this toy for you right now. I know you really want it and I'm not going to buy this for you today, what should we do?" ***

My strong-willed child says, "come back and get it tomorrow!"

I say, "that's one idea, but the budget is still the same. Lets think of more. I have an idea, I know your birthday is coming up, how about I put it on your list?" Or, "could we take a picture of it so when it is time to get something you'll remember what you want?"

Luckily we don't have to worry so much about having the right thing to say; solutions appear naturally and flow from the previous two steps. This is very different than trying to fix the problem right away...

...It's not so hard once we've infused the whole situation with compassion.

Stay at your center and look beneath the behavior

to the heart of the child.

There you will find only good.

When you see the heart, you will know what to do.

-William Martin

The Parent's Tao Te Ching

With so much love,

Vanessa

***Add in whatever need or concern you have here:

"Honey, you already have so many of these, I'm not going to buy you another one right now until your room is more organized."

Or, "This toy (or sweet) is not healthy for you, I need to make sure your body is healthy so I'm not going to buy this for you today."

What's important is not necessarily your need, but the limit you set: "I'm not going to buy this for you today." Solutions are not a bargaining session or another avenue for arguing.