Good Enough is Good Enough

Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, how many books your read or classes you take or podcasts you listen to... you still loose your patience with your kids?

...you still make that same threat, the one you've made a hundred times before, the one you know won't even work?

...you still feel like no matter what you do you end up at a complete loss?

I hope this doesn't unsettle you too much: it's not realistic to hold ourselves to some impossible standard of being the most unconditionally loving parent on the planet.

In fact, I don't want you to worry so much about it.

Instead of guilt, shame, anxiety or even just plain frustration (all emotions that seem to come hand-in-hand with parenting) how does it feel to say:

It's not about perfection, it's about connection

Are we striving to parent our kids with kindness, curiosity and acceptance? Of course.

It's just not going to happen overnight and it's certainly not going to feel natural or happen on a consistent basis.

In fact, when we first start practicing empathy it feels strange, uncomfortable, robotic.  But it still matters that we try, even if we find ourselves going back to our old ways.

So, here's an attainable goal, something to hang our hat on:

See if you can be the grounded, patient, curious, empathetic parent for seventy-percent of the time: even if within that seventy-percent of the time it's just about grounding, calming and regulating yourself. That's huge!

This means the remaining thirty-percent of your interactions are going to be messy, painful. In a word:

human.

This seventy/thirty formula comes from research about the securely attached child and was termed "the good enough mother."  This research was conducted in the 1960's and, after many decades of repeated similar outcomes and empirical data, we can update the term to "the good enough parent."

What's fascinating for us perfectionists out there (yes, I include myself in this category) is that much of the learning and behavioral change of the child and parent happens the within that thirty-percent window. Yep, it's the mistakes and the conflict and the loosing control that provide good opportunities to learn and grow. This proves it, we DO learn from our mistakes....

AND

 ...our child needs the foundation of safety and consistency seventy-percent of the time; a consistent knowing that the parent isn't gonna loose it or withdraw their love, the child is seen and heard and the parent helps the child meet their needs. Without this base of safety in the relationship none of that learning-from-our-mistakes-thing can happen.

So if you're having a hard time, if you're feeling weighed down with guilt, anxiety, or frustration, try repeating this mantra to yourself:

It's not about perfection, it's about connection

...and remember, the first person who needs connecting with is you.

Good enough is good enough.

You can relax now.

With so much love,

Vanessa