Give the Gift of Strengths

I've been thinking of you and your family and wondering how it is for you right now in this exciting and stressful 2023 holiday season.

As parents our ability to empathize might be stretched thin during this time, but there's also another way!

Noticing our child's inner goodness is an inextricable part of parenting with compassion. We choose to see that our child is doing the best they can, they are acting from their best intention, even in some of the biggest and worst behaviors.

Noticing this goodness and verbally acknowledging it is a practical part of parenting with compassion...

...it is empathy just wearing a different style of clothes: it is noticing our child's strengths.

We choose to see the underlying positivity, our child's intention to try her best, and we align with what we know to be true at our child's core- their goodness.

During this season I invite you, once a day, to look deep into your child's behavior, notice what is going right, and then point that out.

For example, my daughter was mad and yelled. About fifteen minutes later she communicated with words in a regulated way the same message she had just been yelling about. Later I said, "I noticed how you used words to tell me what you didn't like, that took a lot of maturity."

...Did we circle back around to talking about the yelling? Yes, we did. In fact she brought it up. But it wasn't until that connection was there between us, until she felt seen and understood for trying her best.

Let's take another example- homework. If you're child has been struggling to sit still and complete a whole assignment in one sitting, or get it done for the due date, but you notice they take out their book, open it and start working, maybe just for five minutes before getting distracted. "I saw you take out your book and do your homework for a good five minutes tonight I saw you taking responsibility and working hard just then."

A strength is an observation. It is a fact. Something that has been said or done and can be 'recorded' in a literal way. All you're doing is mirroring back the exact behavior and adding the inner strength it took for your child to do it.

I once heard a mom tell of her son's response to this: "Mom, you've been so kind to me today!"  As parents it seems to us we're doing nice and kind things for our children ALL the time, yet this simple, easy practice cuts right to the core of connection. If it were the only gift your child received this season it would be enough.

With so much love,

Vanessa