Flip the switch

Do you feel a bit stuck sometimes about how to best raise your child? I’m guessing, like most parents I speak to, you want your child to be happy. But do you get confused about what you’re doing to help her get there? How, exactly, do we raise a healthy, happy child in our day and age? And what, by the way, is this seemingly elusive quality of “happiness” we want for our child anyway? Lots of different researchers have lots of different things to say about it; but, in the end, when it comes down to it, happiness is a state of being where you get out of your own way. In other words: you kind of forget yourself. This forgetting of “yourself,” forgetting to focus on your own personal level of happiness (or sadness) gives way to a remembering of who you really are: an interconnected part of life, beyond the singular “I”. Sounds good doesn’t it? …Do you remember a moment where you got so caught up in a project time seemed to pass by in an instant? …Do you remember a time when you were with a group, deeply listening, laughing, caught up in the experiences of the others? …Do you remember a time when you witnessed beauty: music, art, dance; or were immersed in nature; or were playing sports with friends- and you felt a part of it all? …Do you remember a time when a dear loved one was suffering and you reached out in compassion to be there for her, thinking only of her needs? These are all examples of a deep kind of happiness- living with joy. These are all examples of a core, primal need being satisfied- the need for belonging. What’s it really like to live in that state? How do we help our children get there (or more accurately, stay connected to this state that comes naturally to them, so they don't loose hold of it in their later years in a world that's increasingly isolating and fractured?) How do we raise our little humans to live the full expression of their own individuality and at the same time know who they truly are, a part of something bigger? Sadly, the standard practices and tools we utilize as parents in our culture today do the exact opposite. Punishments, rewards, sticker charts, time outs, threats; the power-over and transactional relationship model of parenting make us humans more neurotic, self-involved, anxious, depressed, and isolated. Plus these practices have the added weight of creating a brain that has only learned to survive, not thrive. Our future engagement in the world is based on a brain that is set up to comply or defy. It can’t shift with changing circumstances, it can’t be flexible, it only knows how to react, not respond. We are caught up in suffering when things don’t go the way we expected them to, feeling isolated and alone.

So let’s flip the switch.

All those parenting practices I just mentioned turn a switch on in the brain that release stress hormones which become toxic at high levels and hurt our growing brain. This affects our overall level of happiness, belonging, and engagement in the world. The other way- the way of empathy, of curiosity, of compassion ensures our child's brain gets flooded with the beneficial hormones and chemicals; the oxytocin (the bonding hormone or "love" hormone), serotonin, and dopamine, bathe our child's brain in deeply nourishing chemicals. This enables the brain to do what it does best- build an integrated neural network for optimal growth. In this state it is much easier to feel happy, safe, one-with-life. We feel we belong, we're a part of something bigger. The "ON" switch is acceptance: ...it is safe for our child to have big feelings because we accept them, we listen to her ...it is safe for our child to make a mistake because we understand she is still growing, we forgive her ...it is safe for our child to behave badly because we know deep down she's doing the best she can, we get curious about her experience and she can accept our guidance ...it is safe for her to speak her mind, we accept her as she is so she feels heard and can listen to and even accept the other perspective This is called unconditional love. Our love is always available no matter what the behavior is. Unconditional love makes it safe to be a human. And don't we all need that? With so much love, Vanessa