Empathy phrases for you

Today I'm sending out something short and simple- a couple of empathy phrases. They have been really helpful for me over the years, I hope you find them helpful too.

The first one is for any situation that doesn't go exactly as planned (in life, that can be a lot of situations!)

For your young toddler who doesn't like the picture she drew,

your elementary aged child who didn't get chosen for the team she wanted,

your adolescent who just had a difficult misunderstanding with a friend,

try saying...

..."that didn't turn out how you expected, did it?" Or,

..."that didn't work out how you wanted, is that right?"

If we stay in this moment with the loss, with the grief, it can be felt completely. We can then go on to use more verbal empathy, to guess some feelings, some needs. For example, "are you so disappointed because you just wanted to be included? Is that it?"  Guessing the feelings is always helpful, but staying with the loss can help her with radical acceptance when things don't go her way.

For the second empathy phrase, I have found if I've been empathizing with my child and it's something that is particularly vulnerable and raw, I like to say:

"You don't have to feel better. You don't have to change how you feel. You can feel like this as long as you need to. I'll be right here with you."

Usually, just the mention of having all the time in the world to feel a feeling allows the feeling to assume it's natural energy flow and movement through your child's heart, mind and body. When she feels it completely, she is completely open and ready for the next moment, the next feeling. When this happens a parent typically observes their child as ready to move on to the next thing, the transition is not so hard anymore.

What both statements have in common is how they guide our child to go into her painful and uncomfortable feelings. She knows she can feel it if as we are there with her- a steadfast, loving, and accepting presence. She can tolerate her pain and disappointment, she can feel it fully, and she can move on, ready to embrace life and all it has to offer her, living each moment fully present, engaged, alive.

With so much love,

Vanessa