Are you tired?

How are you? How’s it going in your parent world right now?

I am wondering today, what are you needing the most right now?

You spend so much of your time and energy thinking about, loving, caring for, and doing for your child.

What about you?

Are you tired… if I asked you right now, “how are you feeling?” would you say, “I’m tired Vanessa, just tired”…..?

Maybe you’re not tired right this moment, but stifled? lonely? overwhelmed?

Lately I’ve been writing a lot about giving. Giving empathy. Being curious. Staying calm. Being present. But all that takes a lot of energy from us. True, it gives back. The newfound forged connection fills us and our child with deep joy. But in the moment you might not feel that immediately. It takes time and energy to cultivate that!

The truth is;you can never meet your child’s needs if your core needs are not met.

Which is why we always start with self-compassion. Always. It is the first step before we give compassion to our child.

What are you wanting right now?

rest

ease

down time

alone time

people time

connection

adventure

creativity

to be heard

to be understood

Keep going, make a big long list. If you could do ANYTHING right now, what would it be?!

Hopefully that little exercise opened up your heart and soul so you could really feel into what you want, because...

Just for today we're going to focus in on the word core, in core needs. Try going back over that list you just made and circle two, maybe three of those needs.

For every parent it’s gonna be different. But the clue is, it’s the one (or two) things you need, above all else, to help you manage those stressful moments with your kiddos when they do arise. I heard someone in an interview say it this way:

“Self-care is what I do to enable self-regulation”

It’s preventative. It’s nourishing. It’s healing.

Take that core need and think about some areas in your life where you can make some firm boundaries around it. If its rest, well, time to firm up those boundaries around late night binge watching (which might seem restful but not exactly the bone deep rest I think we might be talking about here). And, by the way, I only bring this one up because it’s close to home (literally- someone please take it out of my home!)

Don’t do anything too drastic at first, it’ll only swing back in an equally intense way. Start small. If its rest, move the bedtime up twenty minutes, or make sure to get ten/twenty minutes in a dark, quiet bedroom before the intensive evening activities begin and everyone has a lot of needs. If it's needing to be understood, ask a friend if they wouldn’t mind being a listening partner for a thirty minute conversation once a week.

The shift will echo through your life. And all those needs and wants your child is struggling to gratify (which shows up as the bad behavior, the back-talk, the yelling, the obstinance) you’ll be able to see right through it, right to the heart.

Because you saw through to yours.

With so much love,

Vanessa